Reflection before I turn 30: Limitations set a person free (Week 10)

My motivation. My passion. My actions. They are driven by the word purpose.

When I have purpose, things seem clear. It helps me bounce back, I have found. This past decade, I have learned that it is harder to bounce back when I don't have purpose. When I can't bounce back, I become depressed. One of the things that I had wished, before I started my journey into adulthood, was learning was both how to manage my emotions while managing my finances.

People that are addicted, or people that lack purpose they lean towards destructive activities. When I am depressed, I overspend my finances because I need an outlet. Not thinking rationally, I further my depression. However, the deeper reflection that I need to learn is how NOT to become depressed. Written in a deeper reflection in my personal journal, I have found that my depression stems from these sources:

1. I become depressed when I am in unfamiliar settings or uncomfortable settings.
2. I become depressed, when I don't follow my instuition allowing others to write my story for me.
3. I become depressed when I don't have purpose.

What happens when I am depressed:

1. I can't focus
2. I revert to my past
3. I become reckless with spending
4. I start to overeat
5. My body gains weight even if I exercise
6. I could care less about the tidiness of my house

I have been reflecting upon these behaviors, and I am glad that I recognize these behaviors. I think that too many people go through life not meditating why certain things happen to them. But, this is something I want to change. I wanted to set limitations on things that would trigger my depression.

By setting limitations, I can better track the course of my life; and help prevent me from asking "why" is the bad stuff happening to me. I can't change the "why" if I don't know the "what". An example of setting limitations is with finances. No answer is the same for everybody. I have found that setting a budget at the beginning of the month prevents me from overspending. It prevents rationalizing when I see a paycheck just to spend it. Setting these types of limitations helps me psychologically and emotionally from rationalizing anything at that specific moment - overspending. To be honest, I spend about four to six hours tracking - near the end of the month - my expenditures
ensuring that I have a surplus at the end of the month.

Limitations on what a person can do and can't do help focus a person's life giving it purpose - makes it less stressful. It sets a person free. This is my reflection before I turn 30.

Journal's note: I mentioned it in this post about others writing my story for me. I have read this in other blog posts reflecting what that meant for them when they turned 30. However, I wanted to elaborate what that means for me. This will be my next week's blog post.

Reflection before I turn 30: The Prayer of Inspiration (Week 9)

Tears were falling from my eyes and rage consumed me. I had just failed my first semester at the university. The events that followed were violent and heart - breaking that I fell into a deep despair. I would embellish it, but out of respect for the parties involved I will not share names or events that had happened.

I e-mailed my cousin, and told them the pain that I was experiencing - endless stream of tears were falling from my face as I uncontrollably sobbed as I wrote the e-mail. Over the years, this cousin had been my strength, and my counsel throughout my life. I can always appreciate Filipino families. Each extended member of your family becomes your rock through both good times and bad times. Thank you to my cousins who have provided me great memories that I have learned to cherish my entire life. However, I always turned to this cousin as they had always been there whenever I needed them. I could turn to them whenever I needed them. Around the time I turned 19 years old, I shared with them in an e-mail that I started to pray more often whenever I felt lonely or felt depressed. I will always remember the words that they stated to me. They said, "...That it shows that I had gained a degree of maturity that most people will never attain. People can never understand your problems, but God understands your problems better than any of us."

A tear flung from my eye as I could feel the compassionate truth in their words. They further taught me that as I learned to walk in the Lord's footsteps that I will see a change in my life. This is further illustrated in the poem, "Footprints" attached below: 

This poem has been touching, and I have learned to listen towards its counsel. Whether or not you believe in God, we can all agree that we need help sometimes. It can be frustrating to share your problems towards somebody you trust, and they don't understand those problems. It does take a courage of faith taking each step into the world. But, I have learned this past decade that it takes humility to comprehend that we can't do it alone. 

We may think that there is harm in believing in a magical figure in the sky that grants us wishes. And, I can understand non - believers in this notion. I have had my doubts in the past regarding whether there was a God. As I have gained humility, I have further come towards the understanding that there is even more harm thinking that we can do this alone. 

This is further embellished in the movie remake of Miracle on 34th Street.  Now here is a brief synopsis regarding the movie. A young girl meets a department store Santa Claus who claims that he is the real figure. This conflicts with her personal beliefs since her mother teaches her that there is no Santa Claus. This is my favorite quote out of the movie:

Dorey Walker: I don't think that there's any harm in not believing in a figure that many do acknowledge to be a fiction.

Kris Kringle: Oh, but there is. I'm not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. You know, I I I'm a symbol. I'm a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can't believe, if you can't accept anything on faith, then you're doomed for a life dominated by doubt.

Source: imdb.com

Taking an excerpt out of that quote, I will repeat it for effect, "....If you can't believe, if you can't accept anything on faith, then you're doomed for a life dominated by doubt."

Faith gives us hope. Hope drives our purpose. Purpose gives us meaning.

This formula has taught me a liberation that can't be taught. It can only be taught once a person is willing to listen once they have humbled themselves.

As I have humbled myself, I have grown as a compassionate person not just as a man; but a man with purpose. See, a man lives their lives hoping for change. A man with purpose drives for a better future until ultimately they take action towards that future.

Looking towards the future, I look upon the horizon with hope knowing that my story isn't done. The great deal of lessons, tribulations, trials and horrors has been both humbling and inspiring.

I will continue to pray towards God - humbled knowing that I can't do this alone. I am inspired to lead with this prayer of inspiration. This is how I will close my reflection before I turn 30. Amen.

Journal's note: Next week I will be sharing how limitations set you free.

Reflection before I turn 30: The Soul of a Man (Week 8)

In the hallways of my dichotomy, I see a picture of you and me
One smiles, and one frowns but don't represent which is up and which is down
You can't see which is real for I am the only one that feels
I am lost at sea.

People treated me with a keen ignorance angered by perspiration
Calling me "fag" out of desperation
Their outlook in was never a respiration of what I breathe
I feel as if I have paid the fee.

Starved for acceptance all I could show was confidence.
Confidence angered out of fear
Mirrors shattered due to tears
Blood gushing this is the pain I see.

Learning to grow, and learning tolerance
Memories flowing like remembrance
Learning a valuable lesson, tolerant
This is the lesson that I see.

People live for the moment
And, people who learn from the moment
I hope to be the latter in years come
This is the paid fee.

Grow from the moment
And, learn philosophically
You can do better than what they will ever see
Come, let's pay that fee.

Let's show them the soul of a man.
This is my reflection before I turn 30.

Journal's note: Next week will be the Prayer of Inspiration.

Reflection before I turn 30: Life's real trial (Week 7)

Hell is a place that I call home.

That sounds morbid, and psychotic; but it is true. Not just these past ten years, but I have experienced my fair share of trials and tribulations that most people would describe as incomprehensible. I can't embellish the scenarios that I have experienced, but I can say that I have learned from them.

As Kanye West said in his song, "Stronger" he sings, "Na-na-na that doesn't kill me can only make me stronger."

Though I have become stronger, my trials have taught me much about life. First, it has taught me that life is relentless. Second, it has taught me the main person who can help you is yourself. Thirdly, you can't help others if you can't help yourself.

I believe myself to be an altruistic person. I am willing to give my time and my money towards those people that I feel need it most. As much as possible, I try my best to seek out kindness in those that need comfort. But, I have learned that I can't keep helping others if I can't help myself.

Learning more about myself, I have always wondered why does the bad things happen to me? I think many of us ask that question. The problem with asking why - the motive - is we can never answer it. It is a common conundrum that most of us face. Hence, I started shifting the questioning to ask what can I do to prevent the bad things happening to me?

Though we can't control the external factors that affect our daily lives, we can control the internal factors - ourselves - so that the external factors can react positively towards us. Too many times, we shift the blame on others, because it is easy, rather than ask ourselves what could we have done to prevent the mishaps. After all, Isaac Newton stated, "For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction."

Now, there are some anomalies that we can't control no matter how much the external factors react to us. To this, I say, "You can't bury the pain, you can only become one with it." For years, I have tried to run from it rather than confronting it; and making peace with it. I still have many demons and skeletons in my closet, but accepting the pain, rather than running from it, has made my life a lot easier.

This is life's real trial. This is my reflection before 30.

Journal's note: Next week, I will be covering what makes the soul of a man.